On friends... and parents

This is something that I wrote for a friend of mine, because of that persons situation. It's not something new or revolutionary, it's simply thoughts about that matter in words.

A real friend is someone you can tell everything; the reason that they are your friend is because they have proven to you that they can understand and handle the things you tell them.

This is also because you know that whatever the situation is, they will help and support you. When you are in doubt, or when you are not sure of yourself, a real friend will do his or her best in order to set everything right again.

A true friend is someone who loves you. Such love doesn’t have to be physical; the person loves you because he or she cares about you. A friend will care and the best of friends will always care.

How do you know when you have found a friend? I think it is when you start telling them things that are on your mind, subcounsciously, because in the depths of your mind you know, before you know it yourself, that here is someone special. The depths of your mind tell you that this person will help, comfort and trust you no matter what.

Why do we make friends? Why? In order to get the support we need to take us through life? We are social beings so having support, friends to trust and tell things to, is important to us. Not just because we think it is so, but because we are created that way, it’s a survival trait. At least, I think so, but those are not all my thoughts, only the ones I manage to write down.

Have you ever had trouble with your parents because of this?

Why do you sometimes choose to tell your friends things before you tell your parents? Your parents, if they are good parents, will always care, and will always listen. But a parent is not always the perfect person for you, not always your best friend. That a parent can be disappointed with you because sometimes you tell your friends before you tell them is understandable, but if they are true parents, they will know that their children love them, while understanding that their children will love and trust other people. A parent must understand that there will always be people other than themselves who will care about their children. This is trust.

Parents need to realize that their children are independent beings as well, people who are free to trust and confide in anyone. Parents need to realize that one day their children will leave. That does not mean that their children will stop loving them or disappear. They will be off creating their own future. This independence begins in the mid- to late teens. In preparation for the time when you will be off on your own, you will start creating your own independent life. Even if they know about it, this is something many parents have a hard time handling because they love and care about their children, valuing them above everything else. Holding onto what you love wanting protect it is natural.

Parents also need to be able to trust their children. A child who does not feel trusted will, automatically, seek this trust elsewhere. By trust, I mean that a parent will have to believe in their children’s choices, even if they have doubts and even if they want to protect them, it is vital that parents understand that their children are human beings who are able to judge for themselves, beings that, after a certain age, will start preparing their own future.

If you are a parent, look back at when you were a kid, would your parents always be the first ones you confided in? That does of course depend on what kind of relation you have with your parents. A child will think that their parents are mean and over protective when a parent says that they care about what is best for the child. This is one thing in which a parent need to be able to trust their children. Children are, in spite of popular belief, humans that can think and judge for themselves; they are machines built to create their own future. Parents are, also in spite of popular belief (among children), not stupid, and will sooner or later realise that their children actually do know what is best for themselves.

It is true though that bad things happen, what seemed best from the start might not have been the best choice, and what looked like the future might not have been it, but children will grow up, children will learn and become strong, a child will build their own future no matter what obstacles or troubles turn up on the way. A child will become a parent.

Parents will always think their children are too young, too inexperienced, or too reckless, and a child will always think their parents are too old fashioned, too careful, or too over protective. To create a balance, a parent must trust that, even if it might not seem so, a child will listen to what they say, and in the end, the child will judge for him or herself how to handle a situation. Parents needs to let their children discover what freedom is and not only shield them from its dangers.

The parent’s best argument is ”but you are too young!” which does not make too much sense in my eyes. While age is something that can vaugely be related to how experienced you are, you should trust the judgement of your child rather than overrule it completely. You can talk to your child, you can tell them what you think is wrong and right, but out of this, it is up to the child to make his or her own decisions, to create his or her own future. While nearly every person depends and relies on others it is also important for one to feel and to be allowed to be independent.

Hello

It is possible I will write a few things here now and then.

Enjoy.